Thursday, September 17, 2015

I'll never meet my best friend.

I came to be friends with my best friend in a most roundabout way. It started on LiveJournal and didn't involve him at all. It ended on Facebook and now he's such an integral part of my life it's hard to believe there ever was a time that he wasn't a part of it. But my best friend and I will never meet, not in real life anyway. He lives in Scotland, I live in the US. Neither of us can afford to fly off to the other and it doesn't look like either of our situations will ever change to the point where we will be able to.

He's angry and belligerent most of the time and just belligerent the rest. We argue at each other just for the sake of arguing and sometimes because he's quite drunk and drunk dialing Amy seems like a fun thing to do. I whine and moan and take all of my frustration out on him because he owes me for that 3 hour phone call the night before that was mostly us throwing F bombs back and forth at each other and sometimes talking about movies and music or my girls in between. I put up with him and he puts up with me, and I'm not sure there are very many people out there that would do the same for either of us.

He checks up on me because he knows how bad I get. He makes me tell him the truth, even if I don't want to. He acts like he doesn't care about anyone but there isn't anyone else in the world who refuses to accept, "I'm fine" or, "I'm ok" as an answer when they ask how I'm doing. Everyone else is content to wrap it up so neatly. Dust their hands off, "She's ok everyone! She told me so herself!" He pushes, he digs and he makes me tell him the good and the bad, and I love him for it.

I am generally somewhat reserved with everyone. I keep a piece of myself for myself. I can never give all of myself away because if someone has all of you they have the potential to destroy you. Alex knows everything about me. He knows about my love life (or lack of), he knows about my friends, my family, what's going on with my daughters and if there are any issues between their fathers and I. He's the first to know when something super exciting happens (in a way. The message goes to him first. Due to our 5 hour time difference sometimes he isn't the first to read it), the first to know when my world comes crashing down. He has blackmail material on me. I've asked him for opinions on everything from bathing suits to boyfriends.

It's a fairly unconventional relationship. Guys I date usually take a little while to understand that their girlfriend spends hours every day on the phone with another man but she's not interested in him. They come around eventually though. We're a very good example of life sending you what you need when you don't expect it, in ways you don't see coming. I know that until the day he kicks me out of his life kicking and screaming, he will be my best, best friend.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Some days bipolar disorder has me.

I'm not new to the mental health game. I've been medicated longer than I've done most things in my life. I've seen the inside of more doctor's rooms, been evaluated plenty of times, and talked to more than a couple therapists and counsellors. I know how my disorder works. It's sneaky and it steals your life little pieces at a time. 

Still there are days when I feel as if it's the bipolar disorder that has me, not I that has it. No matter how much therapy I go to or how much medication I take I feel as if I'll never have complete control. 

There will always be days like today. Days where I wake up as tired as I went to sleep but in a good enough mood. I'll get things done, the girls off to school, the dishes done. All the while I can feel my mood sliding. Nothing has to happen, I just grow ever more...weary. Then my thoughts turn gray. 

I'll begin to think about how I miss him so. To wonder why I can't just give in and try to be happy with someone? I'll remind myself I'm alone because I choose not to inflict my disorder on others. This comes with the usual realization that I will live a very lonely life. My eyes start to get teary somewhere during this process. 

Maybe I'll think of a happy memory. A flash of a smile, that look in his eyes, hearing, "You're the best mom ever!" when I manage to do something right. There they are again, those pesky tears. 

By the end of the day I'm a shaky, teary-eyed, wobbly mess. I put on a smile and I laugh for the girls but it's always there under the surface. I joke with my friends and hide my emotions. It's still there though. That feeling that everything is gray and that the darkness is close behind. 

Bedtime will eventually come and I'll fall into a medication induced sleep. Never knowing if the next day I will have my disorder or it will have me.  

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Love isn't in my plan.

I don't want to be in love. It's not a good time for me. I don't want that giddy feeling, the completeness. I don't want to need someone again. 

I'm not ready for love, whoever is in charge of timing really blew it on that one. You should have brought him back to me when I was ready. With the way I am now, this will only end in disaster. 

I'm not ready for the anticipation. For waiting all week just to see those gorgeous eyes. For making plans and holding hands. None of that is on my life calendar right now. 

I'm not ready. 
I'm not ready for the jealousy, the insecurity, the fear of loss. I'm not ready to always wonder if tomorrow will be the day I'll finally be too crazy and they'll walk away. Is today the day he meets the next me? Brighter, thinner, better. 

I'm not ready for love. Nah, not me. 

Friday, September 4, 2015

But I have to make time for myself and some changes.

I didn't get around to those posts yet. They're waiting. I was waiting on one because it's about razors and you kind of need to see them in action but I haven't used one yet. I keep forgetting. Tonight! 

I'm going to change a little about the blog. The post titles won't be me finishing the blog's title prompt. It will make it easier on me to describe the post that way. I think that's about it though. It'll still be a strange mess of whatever I like at the time. 

You know what they never tell you about mental illness? Even the stable days are hard. You still struggle even when the medication is working and you feel better. You still wake up sometimes and hate yourself, your life, being alive, the idea of going through with this for the rest of your life just breaks you. Those days still happen, even when everything is good. The fight never ends when you're at war with your own mind. You never get to lay down your sword and rest for a bit because just when you do the darkness creeps in and steals your sword. 

Every day I try to wake up prepared to fight. Some days I am not successful and darkness does it's slow creep over me. It's become a comfortable thing now, my darkness. I try to tell myself everyone deserves a day here and there, it won't hurt to take a day but it's a slippery slope. I have to wake up extra ready and have friends who are also at the ready to help me fight the next day. If the darkness gets comfortable, well there's no telling when it will leave. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

And I'm a terrible blogger.

I'm not so great at the remembering to blog thing. As you can tell by the fact that there's been no post since May, I think. I'm not sure anyone even follows or knows this blog exists. That's ok, I'll talk to myself. 

I'm stable now. Ever since I went to the hospital I've been doing mostly ok. A little on the hyper side but I'm not sure if I'm hypomanic or not. I can control myself in some ways but in others, I just can't. It's hard to tell. 

I have a post or two to make. Probably today or tomorrow. Not personal posts. 

As far as health goes, I'm still in pain all the time. I went to try to get injections for the pain but there are a bunch of tests I have to do first. I really should have known it wouldn't be easy. I keep doing things that cause me to have fibro flares but they're things that are fun for me so when I weigh the pros and cons, it's worth a day in bed. I need to do things that make me happy to keep my mood stable. It's a wicked trade off. 

I reconnected with my old best friend and that was good for my heart. Hopefully she sticks around this time. She's a little flaky. 

My girls are beautiful, smart, quirky, and keeping me on my toes. They are so amazing to me. They've discovered this app and the videos they make are adorable. I love watching them. 

I won't talk about dating. It's a terrible thing. 

I haven't been running much. My motivation just isn't there. I need to find it again. It's hard when I'm always in pain. I'm hoping when I get that taken care of it will get easier. 

I'll be back around with another post I think. I have to find what I want to review. It's time to go to the bus stop!

Friday, July 10, 2015

But it's summer break and we're going crazy.

Our summer break here is pretty short. June 6 (I think) until July 30. We have an irregular schedule. We get two weeks off for fall break, winter break and Spring break. Although this year if we have a lot of snow days like last year they'll be making them up during the first week of spring break. 

I've barely even running at all I have no motivation. I can't go to the park anymore because of the girls and it's so much trouble loading them up and walking to borrow a car; by the time I get to the Y I'm so frustrated with everything that I just can't zone out in my run like I usually do. I just keep thinking about how long I have left 

We have been going swimming quite a bit and The Littlest Princess is taking swim lessons. We've gone to Kentucky Kingdom a few times but we've gotten rained out every time. The weather says storms all this week too. I'd like to go back before school starts again. 

The Littlest Princess had to get glasses. She so excited about having glasses she's super careful about them and wears them every second she can. 

The Eldest Princess turned 12 on the 8th of July. I'm so proud of the young woman she is growing up to be. She's so beautiful inside and out and I don't feel like I deserve to have such an amazing, intelligent, beautiful young woman as my daughter. 

I don't want to talk about relationships, mainly because I don't have one, can't maintain one, and am all around terrible at being a girlfriend 

Maisy Louise Price has settled into our house nicely. She's getting along with GR and she loves to be loved. Cat therapy is the best therapy. 

My mental state is like a little kid playing with a yo-yo. Sometimes it gets stuck down and sometimes you can make it go super fast. I'm working on it 

Still vaping, still loving it. I don't even really need the nicotine. I went without it in the hospital. No patch or anything like the rest of the smokers had. I could probably vape 0mg and be cool with it. 

My eyes are getting heavy. I think that means it's time to get about 4-5 hours of sleep. 

Monday, May 25, 2015

But I needed a break and I couldn't wait.

Some things are hard to talk about and some things you feel really embarrassed to admit. Some things are both. This is both. 

I recently spent a week in the hospital in the "Behavioral Health Unit". That's a politically correct way of saying the Psych Ward. I had a breakdown and my thoughts took a dangerous turn. For once I not only wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, I seriously considered a way to do it. I had the means, I have lots of medication in my home and I could just go to sleep and not wake up. 

These thoughts scared me. I reached out to my mother and told her I needed to go to the hospital. Then I went to sleep. When she got off work she and my aunt came to my house, my aunt took my girls and my mom took me to the hospital. 

It was very late when I got there, my first night I was examined for tattoos, scars, and bruises. My phone, purse, and shoes were taken from me. I was given a room and I went to sleep. 

I was scared my first day. I didn't know anyone and as someone with social anxiety, I was pretty close to terrified. There were some very nice people there who talked to me and included me even though I mostly sat and listened. 

My experience in the hospital wasn't what I thought it would be. There was a lot of free time where we sat around talking to each other, watching TV, playing cards, reading books, or talking on the phone. There was some group therapy and we got to go outside to an enclosed area a couple times a day. The food was basic hospital food (I lost a pound over the course of my week in there.) 

We were told when to wake up, when to eat, we had to ask permission to shower, our medication was handed out to us at certain times a day and our moods were tracked at medication time we were told when to go to sleep too, although most of us had gone to our rooms by that time already. 

There were two visiting days and only one when you could bring children. I saw my mom on both visiting days but no one else came. I was glad the girls didn't come. I didn't want them to see me in the hospital. I missed them so much but I didn't want them to have that memory. I talked to the oldest Princess on the phone while I was in there but the youngest princess didn't know where I was. I just told her I was somewhere trying to get healthy. How do you explain it to a 6-year-old? 

I spent 5 days in there. I was so happy to get out but I'm still having trouble adjusting. The structure was something I need in my life but it's something I'm not good at. I feel like my family looks at me differently now. They seem to look at me like I'm fragile, like I'll break at any minute. 

My relationship with my now ex-boyfriend fell apart. We have split up because I couldn't reach out, because I feel so different now. My emotions are so strange to me and I don't know how to handle them. I feel like I'm lost and I'm searching and searching but I'm not sure what I'm searching for. 

Depression and Bipolar Disorder are scary things. They can completely turn your life upside down. They can lie to you and make you feel the deepest despair. Bipolar Disorder can make you feel the highest of highs and then crash you down to the lowest of lows. It's a hard life and many of us don't survive it. If you know someone suffering from these disorders please reach out. You never know how you could change their lives with even the simplest gesture. It's real and it hurts, that's all we want you to understand. 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

But I do it for my girls.

It's hard to be an introvert parent. There are birthday parties, school parties, assemblies, amusement parks, and city events. Your instinct is to stay home where it's safe, quiet, and there isn't a million people. Your children want to go and have fun and, well, be children. 

Today the littlest princess has a birthday party to go to for a classmate. I don't know a single parent or any of the other students. That's my fault, I know. My hermit lifestyle has made that happen and brought me to this point but I can't help but be anxious. 

I'm not good at small talk and I have trouble connecting with people. I always have. I've always been very shy and my mind goes blank when I try to think of things to talk about. How am I supposed to make conversation? I want my daughters to have friends and be invited places, it would just be so much easier if that didn't mean I had to go with them. 

How do you come up with things to talk about? What do you talk about when you've exhausted all subjects about school? How do you connect with other parents? How do you step out of your introvert comfort zone and give your children the fun activities they deserve? 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

But it feels so good I can't stop.

I've recently taken up running. It's strange because I never thought I would be a runner. I always joked the only reason I would run was if someone was chasing me but I've caught the running bug. 

I started the C25K program 6 weeks ago. I'm only on week 4, I had to repeat a couple of weeks. Somewhere along the way I discovered the runner's high and I've been chasing it ever since. So far I can run for 5 minutes straight without stopping. Next week though, it gets pretty hardcore. The last day you run 20 minutes without stopping. I'm scared, guys! I'm not sure I can do it. I may be repeating that week a couple of times. 

I want to run a 5k. I want to do it so bad. I've never done anything like that, just the breast cancer walk. I can walk 3.1 miles now I just have to make myself able to run it. 

I started out running on the treadmill. Then one day I tried to run on a track here close to my house and I failed miserably. It was the same thing I had done on the treadmill just two days before but the track was so much harder. It had big hills and curves, it was very unforgiving. So now I run the track and my cross training is done at the gym. Usually the elliptical (a devil machine!) and some work on the weight machines. 

I'm trying to lose weight too. It's slow going. So far I've lost maybe two pounds it's a little discouraging. My littlest princess often wishes there was magic in this world. I have to agree. I wish I could magic these 40 pounds off. I'm working on my diet. I don't necessarily eat different things, except I'm eating a lot of salad, but I am eating smaller portions of what I do eat and I'm tracking my calories. I have a big problem with night eating. I wake up in the middle of the night and head for the kitchen. Does anyone else do this?

I won't look great in a bathing suit by summer but maybe next summer I'll feel comfortable in my skin. That's really all I'm hoping for. 

I'll keep you updated on how it goes. For now, it's a yucky rainy day and I'm a little sick so I'm going to go be miserable. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

well, really I do but I always forget or I don't have anything to write.

I live a pretty boring life, readers. I get the girls ready for school, I go to the grocery, I go to the gym (anxiety central), I sometimes run at the park, when the girls get home we talk about school and then I make dinner and we hang out and do our own thing. I don't have much of a life to blog about and I haven't been getting anything to review lately. I did get some pretty nice e-juice I could review. I think I'll do a post about that. Maybe today. I need to take some pictures.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia finally. It's nice to have a doctor agree with what you thought was going on. I have a pain creme to use right now but it's a hassle to put on. I may be looking into injections to keep the pain away. I can't use the medications for Fibro because they are generally SSRI based and there's always the risk that they will throw me into a manic state. That's not something that I'm willing to risk when I've got myself semi-stable. I still have down days, especially when the fibro flares up on me, but it's more like 1 or 2 days a week as opposed to 4-5. Sometimes you have to just be happy with what you can get.

I saw an endocrinologist recently. I don't have any positives or negatives yet. He changed my thyroid medicine and wants lab work in 6 weeks then wants to see me in 8 weeks to see how I'm doing. So far the fatigue has gotten a little worse. My weight refuses to budge, my hands and feet are still so dry it's almost painful sometimes, even though I put lotion on them all the time, my hair isn't growing back in as thick as it was, my nails are pitiful. Any time they get a little bit of free edge, it breaks. It just bends and breaks at any little thing. One thing I question though, I think I heard the Endo say TSH is the only indicator of hypo thyroid and if he did say that, I've got a doctor who doesn't know what he's talking about and need a new one. The tests he ordered include T4 and free T3 though, so maybe he didn't say that. Maybe he said, "isn't". I hope so.

I've decided I'm tired of being out of shape. I've started C25K and some strength training. I'm basically doing the same strength training routine I was doing when I was going to Medfit but I think next time I go into the Y I'm going to ask one of the Wellness Coaches to make up a workout for me. There are so many machines that I don't use that I would like to incorporate into my workout. I'm just not sure what they do and I would like to know before I jump onto them.

I've started the T25 program. I've good things about it from a friend. I started it on a Thursday and the calendar starts on a Monday so I'm going to wait and start over Monday. I'm going to be doing it on top of my usual gym workouts. Hopefully I'll start seeing some results. I'm not optimistic. My diet is atrocious. Some days I can manage to stay below my calories but there are many days when I go over. I usually try to do extra to burn it off when I go over but most days it's late night eating that gets me. I need to talk to my psychiatrist and see if there's anything we can add that can curb my appetite so I don't do that. It's wrecking any progress I make.

I'm on the semi-injured list right now. Last Friday I ran/walked 3.6 miles doing C25K plus a little extra because the track I was on doesn't end when C25K does and I had to finish it out. I felt fine Friday but Saturday when I woke up it was hard to put weight on my right foot. Pain was going across the middle of it and up to my ankle when I took a step. Tuesday I thought it was better and I could run through the little bit of pain that was left but I was wrong, it wasn't ready. It seems to be a little better now. I did T25 cardio yesterday and there's a lot of hopping and jogging and there wasn't any shooting pain. Maybe by Monday I'll be able to start C25K Week 3 Day 1.

I'm not going to lie, I'm scared of Week 3. I had a lot of trouble with Week 2. Week 3 cuts out 30 seconds of walking time. It's the same running time, 1.5 minutes just less walking time. I'm still not doing very well in the breathing department and I get very bad dry mouth. I think I'm going to have to start running with a water bottle. When I'm on the treadmill I have a bottle of water right there with me, outside I usually have to wait until I get back to my truck and take a break. I don't want to take breaks though. I want to be able to run it all the way through. I'm thinking of taking my inhaler next time I run at Perrin Park and see if it helps me any with my breathing.

I'm still vaping, I'm thinking of lowering my nicotine level with my next order. It'll probably make me go through juice faster but I need to learn to moderate myself. I need to get down to a low level. Preferably 0. That would be great. I recently ordered a sample pack from Vape Wild and it's wonderful. I'll try to throw a review up soon. If I remember.

I think that's it. My apologies for being a terrible blogger. I don't think anyone actually reads this anyway.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

and I can't even think of a title.

You know readers, some days I think my brain doesn't even bother to wake up. It starts with not being able to unlock my phone in the morning. It's like a game, How Many Tries Will It Take To Turn The Alarm Off? I have a program on my phone that takes a picture when you input an unsuccessful passcode and emails the picture to you and saves a copy to the camera roll. Some morning I have 5 or 6 of these pictures. Let me tell you, they're lovely.

Then I can't find clothes for the littlest princess. Nothing matches but everything is clean. Socks? Pfft. Keep dreaming. "Where are your gloves?!" In her pocket where I put them of course.

Off to the bus stop, kisses! Time to relax. Nope, what did I walk into this room for again? I know I was looking for something but what was it? It wasn't this brush but the brush doesn't belong in this room so I'll take it where it belongs and maybe I'll remember.

What should I make for dinner? Well obviously not this hamburger I put down 4 days ago and now it's brown. I've got to stop buying that stuff. Why won't this cat stop meowing? You've got food and water, dude, what's your problem? Well, MEOW right back at you too.

Where was I supposed to go today? Better check both calendars...

Oh hell. I've got to get out of here. Time to get therapized.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

And I'm glad to be back to normal again

We just finished Winter Break, readers. That wonderful time where your children stay home from school for two weeks. 

I'm not really sure why they call it a break. The kids just sit around eating everything in sight and complaining they're bored. It's WINTER break so on a good day it's 40° outside, so they're stuck inside with you. Your darling offspring, those sweet little angels. 

If you're like me and have insomniac children, you'll find yourself at 4am staring at a wide-eyed child whining because they're bored. 

Then, behold! It's over. Time again for shivering on the corner waiting for the bus, peace and quiet to think. A chance to clean up the tornado left behind. Quiet. So much quiet. 

Goodbye Winter Break. See you next year. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

and even when I do. I don't post.

You may have noticed by now, blog, I'm terrible at updating. My posts are sporadic at best, sometimes coming in spurts then not coming at all. Is it a symptom of my disorder or just downright laziness? Is it because the girls always have the computer and I don't like posting from my phone? Maybe because I don't really think I'm interesting enough to create the journal-like entries and I can never think of things to review. Sure I could review e-juice but I'm not like some people who can find different flavor profiles and such. To me it's either good for one reason or another or it's not.

I had surgery on my nose and let me tell you, it was not fun. I'm still sore and it's been almost a month. There are still stitches in there too. I'm supposed to be able to breathe better but I feel congested today. I could be getting some kind of head cold or other sinus related problem or my body could just be telling me what I've always known: it hates me. No matter what I do to fix it it's always going to laugh maniacally and find another way to make me miserable.

The holidays were wonderful. Thanksgiving (It's very hard not to type Thanksgibbing as is tradition with my cousin and me) was full of delicious food and a lively game of Trivial Pursuit until 2 am with my family. My team lost but I got a few good answers in that no one expected.
My girls loved Christmas, they got everything they wanted and a few things they didn't expect. The littlest princess has been so excited to ride her bike she can't hardly stand it but the only day it was warm enough for them to go out, it rained on her. Her poor little heart was broken. Christmas dinner was another night where we stuffed ourselves and then fought our way through a game of Trivial Pursuit. Our game is a mismatch of three or four different games but we were unable to find a new version of the game within a 40 mile radius.

I've become what I never thought I would be, blog. I'm a coffee drinker. Not a "give me coffee or give me death" kind of drinker, just a regular drinker. I never liked coffee before, it was always too bitter. I've found that I can drink dark roast if I doctor the heck out of it. Lots of sugar, lots of creamer...flavored please. I can't just go into Starbucks or McDonald's and order a coffee. Their's is still too bitter for me but the stuff I make at home and the stuff that comes out of the gas station cappuccino machines works pretty well for me.

My girls are doing amazing in school. I couldn't be more proud of them. One is getting all A honor roll in advanced classes and the other is splitting her time between Kindergarten and first grade. They're on winter break now. I think I'm the only one ready to get our routine back. They're content staying up all hours of the night and watching random YouTube videos all day.

So far, I think I've managed to get stable as far as my bipolar goes. I still have my bad days, my can't get out of bed days. Pizza Roll days. I've had a few manic days where my thoughts race and get obsessive and days where my thoughts seem to just be black clouds. Overall though, I'm getting the girls to school, making sure they're fed, homework is done, baths are taken, clothes are washed, and love is handed out. I think that's the best I can hope for right now. It might not seem like a lot to you blog, but compared to me a year ago, two years ago, it seems like I've climbed a mountain. The next step is getting myself healthy. It's hard. I'm fighting bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism, possibly fibromyalgia. Some days there's just no motivation to be found.

This has gotten long blog. I'm not sure anyone is even reading. If you're out there, leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you.