Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Some days bipolar disorder has me.

I'm not new to the mental health game. I've been medicated longer than I've done most things in my life. I've seen the inside of more doctor's rooms, been evaluated plenty of times, and talked to more than a couple therapists and counsellors. I know how my disorder works. It's sneaky and it steals your life little pieces at a time. 

Still there are days when I feel as if it's the bipolar disorder that has me, not I that has it. No matter how much therapy I go to or how much medication I take I feel as if I'll never have complete control. 

There will always be days like today. Days where I wake up as tired as I went to sleep but in a good enough mood. I'll get things done, the girls off to school, the dishes done. All the while I can feel my mood sliding. Nothing has to happen, I just grow ever more...weary. Then my thoughts turn gray. 

I'll begin to think about how I miss him so. To wonder why I can't just give in and try to be happy with someone? I'll remind myself I'm alone because I choose not to inflict my disorder on others. This comes with the usual realization that I will live a very lonely life. My eyes start to get teary somewhere during this process. 

Maybe I'll think of a happy memory. A flash of a smile, that look in his eyes, hearing, "You're the best mom ever!" when I manage to do something right. There they are again, those pesky tears. 

By the end of the day I'm a shaky, teary-eyed, wobbly mess. I put on a smile and I laugh for the girls but it's always there under the surface. I joke with my friends and hide my emotions. It's still there though. That feeling that everything is gray and that the darkness is close behind. 

Bedtime will eventually come and I'll fall into a medication induced sleep. Never knowing if the next day I will have my disorder or it will have me.  

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