But I have to make time for myself and some changes.

I didn't get around to those posts yet. They're waiting. I was waiting on one because it's about razors and you kind of need to see them in action but I haven't used one yet. I keep forgetting. Tonight! 

I'm going to change a little about the blog. The post titles won't be me finishing the blog's title prompt. It will make it easier on me to describe the post that way. I think that's about it though. It'll still be a strange mess of whatever I like at the time. 

You know what they never tell you about mental illness? Even the stable days are hard. You still struggle even when the medication is working and you feel better. You still wake up sometimes and hate yourself, your life, being alive, the idea of going through with this for the rest of your life just breaks you. Those days still happen, even when everything is good. The fight never ends when you're at war with your own mind. You never get to lay down your sword and rest for a bit because just when you do the darkness creeps in and steals your sword. 

Every day I try to wake up prepared to fight. Some days I am not successful and darkness does it's slow creep over me. It's become a comfortable thing now, my darkness. I try to tell myself everyone deserves a day here and there, it won't hurt to take a day but it's a slippery slope. I have to wake up extra ready and have friends who are also at the ready to help me fight the next day. If the darkness gets comfortable, well there's no telling when it will leave. 

And I'm a terrible blogger.

I'm not so great at the remembering to blog thing. As you can tell by the fact that there's been no post since May, I think. I'm not sure anyone even follows or knows this blog exists. That's ok, I'll talk to myself. 

I'm stable now. Ever since I went to the hospital I've been doing mostly ok. A little on the hyper side but I'm not sure if I'm hypomanic or not. I can control myself in some ways but in others, I just can't. It's hard to tell. 

I have a post or two to make. Probably today or tomorrow. Not personal posts. 

As far as health goes, I'm still in pain all the time. I went to try to get injections for the pain but there are a bunch of tests I have to do first. I really should have known it wouldn't be easy. I keep doing things that cause me to have fibro flares but they're things that are fun for me so when I weigh the pros and cons, it's worth a day in bed. I need to do things that make me happy to keep my mood stable. It's a wicked trade off. 

I reconnected with my old best friend and that was good for my heart. Hopefully she sticks around this time. She's a little flaky. 

My girls are beautiful, smart, quirky, and keeping me on my toes. They are so amazing to me. They've discovered this Musical.ly app and the videos they make are adorable. I love watching them. 

I won't talk about dating. It's a terrible thing. 

I haven't been running much. My motivation just isn't there. I need to find it again. It's hard when I'm always in pain. I'm hoping when I get that taken care of it will get easier. 

I'll be back around with another post I think. I have to find what I want to review. It's time to go to the bus stop!

But it's summer break and we're going crazy.

Our summer break here is pretty short. June 6 (I think) until July 30. We have an irregular schedule. We get two weeks off for fall break, winter break and Spring break. Although this year if we have a lot of snow days like last year they'll be making them up during the first week of spring break. 

I've barely even running at all I have no motivation. I can't go to the park anymore because of the girls and it's so much trouble loading them up and walking to borrow a car; by the time I get to the Y I'm so frustrated with everything that I just can't zone out in my run like I usually do. I just keep thinking about how long I have left 

We have been going swimming quite a bit and The Littlest Princess is taking swim lessons. We've gone to Kentucky Kingdom a few times but we've gotten rained out every time. The weather says storms all this week too. I'd like to go back before school starts again. 

The Littlest Princess had to get glasses. She so excited about having glasses she's super careful about them and wears them every second she can. 

The Eldest Princess turned 12 on the 8th of July. I'm so proud of the young woman she is growing up to be. She's so beautiful inside and out and I don't feel like I deserve to have such an amazing, intelligent, beautiful young woman as my daughter. 

I don't want to talk about relationships, mainly because I don't have one, can't maintain one, and am all around terrible at being a girlfriend 

Maisy Louise Price has settled into our house nicely. She's getting along with GR and she loves to be loved. Cat therapy is the best therapy. 

My mental state is like a little kid playing with a yo-yo. Sometimes it gets stuck down and sometimes you can make it go super fast. I'm working on it 

Still vaping, still loving it. I don't even really need the nicotine. I went without it in the hospital. No patch or anything like the rest of the smokers had. I could probably vape 0mg and be cool with it. 

My eyes are getting heavy. I think that means it's time to get about 4-5 hours of sleep. 

well, really I do but I always forget or I don't have anything to write.

I live a pretty boring life, readers. I get the girls ready for school, I go to the grocery, I go to the gym (anxiety central), I sometimes run at the park, when the girls get home we talk about school and then I make dinner and we hang out and do our own thing. I don't have much of a life to blog about and I haven't been getting anything to review lately. I did get some pretty nice e-juice I could review. I think I'll do a post about that. Maybe today. I need to take some pictures.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia finally. It's nice to have a doctor agree with what you thought was going on. I have a pain creme to use right now but it's a hassle to put on. I may be looking into injections to keep the pain away. I can't use the medications for Fibro because they are generally SSRI based and there's always the risk that they will throw me into a manic state. That's not something that I'm willing to risk when I've got myself semi-stable. I still have down days, especially when the fibro flares up on me, but it's more like 1 or 2 days a week as opposed to 4-5. Sometimes you have to just be happy with what you can get.

I saw an endocrinologist recently. I don't have any positives or negatives yet. He changed my thyroid medicine and wants lab work in 6 weeks then wants to see me in 8 weeks to see how I'm doing. So far the fatigue has gotten a little worse. My weight refuses to budge, my hands and feet are still so dry it's almost painful sometimes, even though I put lotion on them all the time, my hair isn't growing back in as thick as it was, my nails are pitiful. Any time they get a little bit of free edge, it breaks. It just bends and breaks at any little thing. One thing I question though, I think I heard the Endo say TSH is the only indicator of hypo thyroid and if he did say that, I've got a doctor who doesn't know what he's talking about and need a new one. The tests he ordered include T4 and free T3 though, so maybe he didn't say that. Maybe he said, "isn't". I hope so.

I've decided I'm tired of being out of shape. I've started C25K and some strength training. I'm basically doing the same strength training routine I was doing when I was going to Medfit but I think next time I go into the Y I'm going to ask one of the Wellness Coaches to make up a workout for me. There are so many machines that I don't use that I would like to incorporate into my workout. I'm just not sure what they do and I would like to know before I jump onto them.

I've started the T25 program. I've good things about it from a friend. I started it on a Thursday and the calendar starts on a Monday so I'm going to wait and start over Monday. I'm going to be doing it on top of my usual gym workouts. Hopefully I'll start seeing some results. I'm not optimistic. My diet is atrocious. Some days I can manage to stay below my calories but there are many days when I go over. I usually try to do extra to burn it off when I go over but most days it's late night eating that gets me. I need to talk to my psychiatrist and see if there's anything we can add that can curb my appetite so I don't do that. It's wrecking any progress I make.

I'm on the semi-injured list right now. Last Friday I ran/walked 3.6 miles doing C25K plus a little extra because the track I was on doesn't end when C25K does and I had to finish it out. I felt fine Friday but Saturday when I woke up it was hard to put weight on my right foot. Pain was going across the middle of it and up to my ankle when I took a step. Tuesday I thought it was better and I could run through the little bit of pain that was left but I was wrong, it wasn't ready. It seems to be a little better now. I did T25 cardio yesterday and there's a lot of hopping and jogging and there wasn't any shooting pain. Maybe by Monday I'll be able to start C25K Week 3 Day 1.

I'm not going to lie, I'm scared of Week 3. I had a lot of trouble with Week 2. Week 3 cuts out 30 seconds of walking time. It's the same running time, 1.5 minutes just less walking time. I'm still not doing very well in the breathing department and I get very bad dry mouth. I think I'm going to have to start running with a water bottle. When I'm on the treadmill I have a bottle of water right there with me, outside I usually have to wait until I get back to my truck and take a break. I don't want to take breaks though. I want to be able to run it all the way through. I'm thinking of taking my inhaler next time I run at Perrin Park and see if it helps me any with my breathing.

I'm still vaping, I'm thinking of lowering my nicotine level with my next order. It'll probably make me go through juice faster but I need to learn to moderate myself. I need to get down to a low level. Preferably 0. That would be great. I recently ordered a sample pack from Vape Wild and it's wonderful. I'll try to throw a review up soon. If I remember.

I think that's it. My apologies for being a terrible blogger. I don't think anyone actually reads this anyway.

and I can't even think of a title.

You know readers, some days I think my brain doesn't even bother to wake up. It starts with not being able to unlock my phone in the morning. It's like a game, How Many Tries Will It Take To Turn The Alarm Off? I have a program on my phone that takes a picture when you input an unsuccessful passcode and emails the picture to you and saves a copy to the camera roll. Some morning I have 5 or 6 of these pictures. Let me tell you, they're lovely.

Then I can't find clothes for the littlest princess. Nothing matches but everything is clean. Socks? Pfft. Keep dreaming. "Where are your gloves?!" In her pocket where I put them of course.

Off to the bus stop, kisses! Time to relax. Nope, what did I walk into this room for again? I know I was looking for something but what was it? It wasn't this brush but the brush doesn't belong in this room so I'll take it where it belongs and maybe I'll remember.

What should I make for dinner? Well obviously not this hamburger I put down 4 days ago and now it's brown. I've got to stop buying that stuff. Why won't this cat stop meowing? You've got food and water, dude, what's your problem? Well, MEOW right back at you too.

Where was I supposed to go today? Better check both calendars...

Oh hell. I've got to get out of here. Time to get therapized.

and even when I do. I don't post.

You may have noticed by now, blog, I'm terrible at updating. My posts are sporadic at best, sometimes coming in spurts then not coming at all. Is it a symptom of my disorder or just downright laziness? Is it because the girls always have the computer and I don't like posting from my phone? Maybe because I don't really think I'm interesting enough to create the journal-like entries and I can never think of things to review. Sure I could review e-juice but I'm not like some people who can find different flavor profiles and such. To me it's either good for one reason or another or it's not.

I had surgery on my nose and let me tell you, it was not fun. I'm still sore and it's been almost a month. There are still stitches in there too. I'm supposed to be able to breathe better but I feel congested today. I could be getting some kind of head cold or other sinus related problem or my body could just be telling me what I've always known: it hates me. No matter what I do to fix it it's always going to laugh maniacally and find another way to make me miserable.

The holidays were wonderful. Thanksgiving (It's very hard not to type Thanksgibbing as is tradition with my cousin and me) was full of delicious food and a lively game of Trivial Pursuit until 2 am with my family. My team lost but I got a few good answers in that no one expected.
My girls loved Christmas, they got everything they wanted and a few things they didn't expect. The littlest princess has been so excited to ride her bike she can't hardly stand it but the only day it was warm enough for them to go out, it rained on her. Her poor little heart was broken. Christmas dinner was another night where we stuffed ourselves and then fought our way through a game of Trivial Pursuit. Our game is a mismatch of three or four different games but we were unable to find a new version of the game within a 40 mile radius.

I've become what I never thought I would be, blog. I'm a coffee drinker. Not a "give me coffee or give me death" kind of drinker, just a regular drinker. I never liked coffee before, it was always too bitter. I've found that I can drink dark roast if I doctor the heck out of it. Lots of sugar, lots of creamer...flavored please. I can't just go into Starbucks or McDonald's and order a coffee. Their's is still too bitter for me but the stuff I make at home and the stuff that comes out of the gas station cappuccino machines works pretty well for me.

My girls are doing amazing in school. I couldn't be more proud of them. One is getting all A honor roll in advanced classes and the other is splitting her time between Kindergarten and first grade. They're on winter break now. I think I'm the only one ready to get our routine back. They're content staying up all hours of the night and watching random YouTube videos all day.

So far, I think I've managed to get stable as far as my bipolar goes. I still have my bad days, my can't get out of bed days. Pizza Roll days. I've had a few manic days where my thoughts race and get obsessive and days where my thoughts seem to just be black clouds. Overall though, I'm getting the girls to school, making sure they're fed, homework is done, baths are taken, clothes are washed, and love is handed out. I think that's the best I can hope for right now. It might not seem like a lot to you blog, but compared to me a year ago, two years ago, it seems like I've climbed a mountain. The next step is getting myself healthy. It's hard. I'm fighting bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism, possibly fibromyalgia. Some days there's just no motivation to be found.

This has gotten long blog. I'm not sure anyone is even reading. If you're out there, leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you.

but sometimes I need to take the time to just shut down.

I'm not having a good week readers.

First, I've got shingles. Shingles, Not Just For Old People. Apparently my grandmother, aunt, and uncle have all had them. I was lucky to catch a fairly weak version but it still hurts and itches and I'm uncomfortable and WAAHHH.

Second, I think the medicine the doctor gave me has thrown me into a depression. I just can't shake it. There's nothing outside of this bed that interests me. I really hate the way taking a medication to help one illness can throw off months worth of progress. I haven't been this down in a while. The worhtlessness, the hopelessness. The wanting to check myself into a center for a while but fearing losing my children. I really hope it's the medicine and not something creeping in. I don't want to spend weeks under this.

In the interest of making this a happy post, I've quite smoking. I've started vaping. I love it. I love the flavors, the ease. I love shopping for flavors, looking at the mods, learning new things about it. I feel so much better. No more coughing. I still have trouble breathing but I blame that on allergies (I start allergy shots next week).

My oldest turns 11 next week. I'm prepared to cry like a baby. I know I will. Just not when anyone is around. We're camping for her birthday the week of the 18th. Hopefully I remember to take a lot of pictures that I can make a happy post with. I owe my blog a happy post.

and sometimes, I disappear completely.

I'm a terrible blogger. When I was younger I always had half started journals lying around waiting for me to pick them up again and begging me to finish them off. To give them some kind of closure. I rarely did.

I've thought of this blog a time or two. I told myself I needed to post something; even if know one read it I would know it was there.

It's been a hectic couple of months. Maybe I will turn February and March into a post. The Great Bed Bug War of 2014. That was a miserable couple of months. Lesson learned, never accept furniture from anyone. Not even family (or step-family as was my case).

School is winding down and it's time for amusement parks, zoo trips, and days spent at the aquatic center being lazy and soaking up vitamin D. I have some things to review, I should have some pictures to post. I have some bipolar related posts I think, although things have mostly been on the up side. Not level by any means but I haven't reached the darkest side in a long time. That's a very good thing. I'll take gray over black any day.

I've also switched from smoking cigarettes to vaping. Not a complete victory but a small one. I've won a small battle in the war. Maybe I'll do some posts about that too. I'm no expert by any means but I can give my amateur opinion.

I guess this is my way of saying I'm back, although I'm not sure anyone knew I was gone. See ya around, blog.  

...and even when I do, I still procrastinate.

The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a roercoaster for me. The weather has been all over the place and my emotions have been right there with it. 

One day it's nice and breezy, the next its snow and ice. We've had so many snow days and two hour delays I can't keep count. The kids are going to school on Presidents' Day this year and also Oaks Day (that's a regional thing). Our last day is currently June 9th but I have a feeling that's still going to change. 

Last week I was blindsided by a stomach bug that put me out of commission for 3-4 days. It was miserable. I could have blogged but all I could think about was the bathroom and you guys really didn't want to hear about that. Trust me. 

I've cancelled and rescheduled so many appointments because of the weather and school situations. My thyroid levels were normal (TSH was down to 1.4 from 4 in October and my T3 had straightened out) so it looks like my only option is to shell out more money than I've got for some Nioxin and hope it works to stop the hair loss and promote some growth. I still think the fluctuations in my thyroid are indicative of something but my doctor doesn't so, dead end. 

I finally finished the smallest princess's kangaroo. Sort of. I'm still knitting it's scarf. There will be a post with pictures. Next up is the eldest princess's kangaroo. So far, I'm 4 rows into the head. Oops. Better get hookin'. 

The boyfriend and I are headed to Nashville for some memory bleach over Valentine's Day weekend. I promise to try to take lots of pics and then bore you with them (is there even a you out there?) Nashville is my favorite place that doesn't have an ocean. I'm beyond excited. 

Turns out, I'm losing weight. Looks like my pervious doctor was wrong about it being linked to me turning 30 and drinking sodas. Imagine that. 

It's late here but early for me. I need to attempt to make my brain stop running laps (at least one of us runs, right?) and get some sleeps. The never-ending doctor visits resume tomorrow. Plus there are dishes in the sink that I think are beginning to gain sentience. Yikes.