Some days bipolar disorder has me.

I'm not new to the mental health game. I've been medicated longer than I've done most things in my life. I've seen the inside of more doctor's rooms, been evaluated plenty of times, and talked to more than a couple therapists and counsellors. I know how my disorder works. It's sneaky and it steals your life little pieces at a time. 

Still there are days when I feel as if it's the bipolar disorder that has me, not I that has it. No matter how much therapy I go to or how much medication I take I feel as if I'll never have complete control. 

There will always be days like today. Days where I wake up as tired as I went to sleep but in a good enough mood. I'll get things done, the girls off to school, the dishes done. All the while I can feel my mood sliding. Nothing has to happen, I just grow ever more...weary. Then my thoughts turn gray. 

I'll begin to think about how I miss him so. To wonder why I can't just give in and try to be happy with someone? I'll remind myself I'm alone because I choose not to inflict my disorder on others. This comes with the usual realization that I will live a very lonely life. My eyes start to get teary somewhere during this process. 

Maybe I'll think of a happy memory. A flash of a smile, that look in his eyes, hearing, "You're the best mom ever!" when I manage to do something right. There they are again, those pesky tears. 

By the end of the day I'm a shaky, teary-eyed, wobbly mess. I put on a smile and I laugh for the girls but it's always there under the surface. I joke with my friends and hide my emotions. It's still there though. That feeling that everything is gray and that the darkness is close behind. 

Bedtime will eventually come and I'll fall into a medication induced sleep. Never knowing if the next day I will have my disorder or it will have me.  

But I have to make time for myself and some changes.

I didn't get around to those posts yet. They're waiting. I was waiting on one because it's about razors and you kind of need to see them in action but I haven't used one yet. I keep forgetting. Tonight! 

I'm going to change a little about the blog. The post titles won't be me finishing the blog's title prompt. It will make it easier on me to describe the post that way. I think that's about it though. It'll still be a strange mess of whatever I like at the time. 

You know what they never tell you about mental illness? Even the stable days are hard. You still struggle even when the medication is working and you feel better. You still wake up sometimes and hate yourself, your life, being alive, the idea of going through with this for the rest of your life just breaks you. Those days still happen, even when everything is good. The fight never ends when you're at war with your own mind. You never get to lay down your sword and rest for a bit because just when you do the darkness creeps in and steals your sword. 

Every day I try to wake up prepared to fight. Some days I am not successful and darkness does it's slow creep over me. It's become a comfortable thing now, my darkness. I try to tell myself everyone deserves a day here and there, it won't hurt to take a day but it's a slippery slope. I have to wake up extra ready and have friends who are also at the ready to help me fight the next day. If the darkness gets comfortable, well there's no telling when it will leave. 

But it's summer break and we're going crazy.

Our summer break here is pretty short. June 6 (I think) until July 30. We have an irregular schedule. We get two weeks off for fall break, winter break and Spring break. Although this year if we have a lot of snow days like last year they'll be making them up during the first week of spring break. 

I've barely even running at all I have no motivation. I can't go to the park anymore because of the girls and it's so much trouble loading them up and walking to borrow a car; by the time I get to the Y I'm so frustrated with everything that I just can't zone out in my run like I usually do. I just keep thinking about how long I have left 

We have been going swimming quite a bit and The Littlest Princess is taking swim lessons. We've gone to Kentucky Kingdom a few times but we've gotten rained out every time. The weather says storms all this week too. I'd like to go back before school starts again. 

The Littlest Princess had to get glasses. She so excited about having glasses she's super careful about them and wears them every second she can. 

The Eldest Princess turned 12 on the 8th of July. I'm so proud of the young woman she is growing up to be. She's so beautiful inside and out and I don't feel like I deserve to have such an amazing, intelligent, beautiful young woman as my daughter. 

I don't want to talk about relationships, mainly because I don't have one, can't maintain one, and am all around terrible at being a girlfriend 

Maisy Louise Price has settled into our house nicely. She's getting along with GR and she loves to be loved. Cat therapy is the best therapy. 

My mental state is like a little kid playing with a yo-yo. Sometimes it gets stuck down and sometimes you can make it go super fast. I'm working on it 

Still vaping, still loving it. I don't even really need the nicotine. I went without it in the hospital. No patch or anything like the rest of the smokers had. I could probably vape 0mg and be cool with it. 

My eyes are getting heavy. I think that means it's time to get about 4-5 hours of sleep.