I'll never meet my best friend.

I came to be friends with my best friend in a most roundabout way. It started on LiveJournal and didn't involve him at all. It ended on Facebook and now he's such an integral part of my life it's hard to believe there ever was a time that he wasn't a part of it. But my best friend and I will never meet, not in real life anyway. He lives in Scotland, I live in the US. Neither of us can afford to fly off to the other and it doesn't look like either of our situations will ever change to the point where we will be able to.

He's angry and belligerent most of the time and just belligerent the rest. We argue at each other just for the sake of arguing and sometimes because he's quite drunk and drunk dialing Amy seems like a fun thing to do. I whine and moan and take all of my frustration out on him because he owes me for that 3 hour phone call the night before that was mostly us throwing F bombs back and forth at each other and sometimes talking about movies and music or my girls in between. I put up with him and he puts up with me, and I'm not sure there are very many people out there that would do the same for either of us.

He checks up on me because he knows how bad I get. He makes me tell him the truth, even if I don't want to. He acts like he doesn't care about anyone but there isn't anyone else in the world who refuses to accept, "I'm fine" or, "I'm ok" as an answer when they ask how I'm doing. Everyone else is content to wrap it up so neatly. Dust their hands off, "She's ok everyone! She told me so herself!" He pushes, he digs and he makes me tell him the good and the bad, and I love him for it.

I am generally somewhat reserved with everyone. I keep a piece of myself for myself. I can never give all of myself away because if someone has all of you they have the potential to destroy you. Alex knows everything about me. He knows about my love life (or lack of), he knows about my friends, my family, what's going on with my daughters and if there are any issues between their fathers and I. He's the first to know when something super exciting happens (in a way. The message goes to him first. Due to our 5 hour time difference sometimes he isn't the first to read it), the first to know when my world comes crashing down. He has blackmail material on me. I've asked him for opinions on everything from bathing suits to boyfriends.

It's a fairly unconventional relationship. Guys I date usually take a little while to understand that their girlfriend spends hours every day on the phone with another man but she's not interested in him. They come around eventually though. We're a very good example of life sending you what you need when you don't expect it, in ways you don't see coming. I know that until the day he kicks me out of his life kicking and screaming, he will be my best, best friend.

and I can't even think of a title.

You know readers, some days I think my brain doesn't even bother to wake up. It starts with not being able to unlock my phone in the morning. It's like a game, How Many Tries Will It Take To Turn The Alarm Off? I have a program on my phone that takes a picture when you input an unsuccessful passcode and emails the picture to you and saves a copy to the camera roll. Some morning I have 5 or 6 of these pictures. Let me tell you, they're lovely.

Then I can't find clothes for the littlest princess. Nothing matches but everything is clean. Socks? Pfft. Keep dreaming. "Where are your gloves?!" In her pocket where I put them of course.

Off to the bus stop, kisses! Time to relax. Nope, what did I walk into this room for again? I know I was looking for something but what was it? It wasn't this brush but the brush doesn't belong in this room so I'll take it where it belongs and maybe I'll remember.

What should I make for dinner? Well obviously not this hamburger I put down 4 days ago and now it's brown. I've got to stop buying that stuff. Why won't this cat stop meowing? You've got food and water, dude, what's your problem? Well, MEOW right back at you too.

Where was I supposed to go today? Better check both calendars...

Oh hell. I've got to get out of here. Time to get therapized.

And I'm glad to be back to normal again

We just finished Winter Break, readers. That wonderful time where your children stay home from school for two weeks. 

I'm not really sure why they call it a break. The kids just sit around eating everything in sight and complaining they're bored. It's WINTER break so on a good day it's 40° outside, so they're stuck inside with you. Your darling offspring, those sweet little angels. 

If you're like me and have insomniac children, you'll find yourself at 4am staring at a wide-eyed child whining because they're bored. 

Then, behold! It's over. Time again for shivering on the corner waiting for the bus, peace and quiet to think. A chance to clean up the tornado left behind. Quiet. So much quiet. 

Goodbye Winter Break. See you next year. 

and even when I do. I don't post.

You may have noticed by now, blog, I'm terrible at updating. My posts are sporadic at best, sometimes coming in spurts then not coming at all. Is it a symptom of my disorder or just downright laziness? Is it because the girls always have the computer and I don't like posting from my phone? Maybe because I don't really think I'm interesting enough to create the journal-like entries and I can never think of things to review. Sure I could review e-juice but I'm not like some people who can find different flavor profiles and such. To me it's either good for one reason or another or it's not.

I had surgery on my nose and let me tell you, it was not fun. I'm still sore and it's been almost a month. There are still stitches in there too. I'm supposed to be able to breathe better but I feel congested today. I could be getting some kind of head cold or other sinus related problem or my body could just be telling me what I've always known: it hates me. No matter what I do to fix it it's always going to laugh maniacally and find another way to make me miserable.

The holidays were wonderful. Thanksgiving (It's very hard not to type Thanksgibbing as is tradition with my cousin and me) was full of delicious food and a lively game of Trivial Pursuit until 2 am with my family. My team lost but I got a few good answers in that no one expected.
My girls loved Christmas, they got everything they wanted and a few things they didn't expect. The littlest princess has been so excited to ride her bike she can't hardly stand it but the only day it was warm enough for them to go out, it rained on her. Her poor little heart was broken. Christmas dinner was another night where we stuffed ourselves and then fought our way through a game of Trivial Pursuit. Our game is a mismatch of three or four different games but we were unable to find a new version of the game within a 40 mile radius.

I've become what I never thought I would be, blog. I'm a coffee drinker. Not a "give me coffee or give me death" kind of drinker, just a regular drinker. I never liked coffee before, it was always too bitter. I've found that I can drink dark roast if I doctor the heck out of it. Lots of sugar, lots of creamer...flavored please. I can't just go into Starbucks or McDonald's and order a coffee. Their's is still too bitter for me but the stuff I make at home and the stuff that comes out of the gas station cappuccino machines works pretty well for me.

My girls are doing amazing in school. I couldn't be more proud of them. One is getting all A honor roll in advanced classes and the other is splitting her time between Kindergarten and first grade. They're on winter break now. I think I'm the only one ready to get our routine back. They're content staying up all hours of the night and watching random YouTube videos all day.

So far, I think I've managed to get stable as far as my bipolar goes. I still have my bad days, my can't get out of bed days. Pizza Roll days. I've had a few manic days where my thoughts race and get obsessive and days where my thoughts seem to just be black clouds. Overall though, I'm getting the girls to school, making sure they're fed, homework is done, baths are taken, clothes are washed, and love is handed out. I think that's the best I can hope for right now. It might not seem like a lot to you blog, but compared to me a year ago, two years ago, it seems like I've climbed a mountain. The next step is getting myself healthy. It's hard. I'm fighting bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism, possibly fibromyalgia. Some days there's just no motivation to be found.

This has gotten long blog. I'm not sure anyone is even reading. If you're out there, leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you.

...and even when I do, I still procrastinate.

The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a roercoaster for me. The weather has been all over the place and my emotions have been right there with it. 

One day it's nice and breezy, the next its snow and ice. We've had so many snow days and two hour delays I can't keep count. The kids are going to school on Presidents' Day this year and also Oaks Day (that's a regional thing). Our last day is currently June 9th but I have a feeling that's still going to change. 

Last week I was blindsided by a stomach bug that put me out of commission for 3-4 days. It was miserable. I could have blogged but all I could think about was the bathroom and you guys really didn't want to hear about that. Trust me. 

I've cancelled and rescheduled so many appointments because of the weather and school situations. My thyroid levels were normal (TSH was down to 1.4 from 4 in October and my T3 had straightened out) so it looks like my only option is to shell out more money than I've got for some Nioxin and hope it works to stop the hair loss and promote some growth. I still think the fluctuations in my thyroid are indicative of something but my doctor doesn't so, dead end. 

I finally finished the smallest princess's kangaroo. Sort of. I'm still knitting it's scarf. There will be a post with pictures. Next up is the eldest princess's kangaroo. So far, I'm 4 rows into the head. Oops. Better get hookin'. 

The boyfriend and I are headed to Nashville for some memory bleach over Valentine's Day weekend. I promise to try to take lots of pics and then bore you with them (is there even a you out there?) Nashville is my favorite place that doesn't have an ocean. I'm beyond excited. 

Turns out, I'm losing weight. Looks like my pervious doctor was wrong about it being linked to me turning 30 and drinking sodas. Imagine that. 

It's late here but early for me. I need to attempt to make my brain stop running laps (at least one of us runs, right?) and get some sleeps. The never-ending doctor visits resume tomorrow. Plus there are dishes in the sink that I think are beginning to gain sentience. Yikes. 

...but sometimes my medicine decides to give me time.

Today was one of those days. I woke up easier than usual and that should have been a sign. My body still hurt, like always, but my brain was ready. Anyone who has been down the bipolar road knows that your body often wins. 

I managed to get the girls ready and off to school. Score one for functioning like a normal adult! I got to Medfit okay and even made it (slowly, mind you) through my workout. My blood pressure was high and that's abnormal for me. After picking up my sister and my youngest, drinking some hot chocolate and eating some food I could feel a crash coming. I set my sister up for babysitting and prepared. 

The crash lasted about 3-4 hours. I can't stand it when they come on. Having to out everything on hold so my brain can try to figure out what the nerves, chemicals and other vital functions of my body are supposed to be doing and try to get them all back in line is not awesome. I try to avoid not awesome things. 

Sometimes I think, "I want my body back." Then I remember I'm 29 and was diagnosed at 14. I never had my body to begin with. More than half of my life has been spent trying to figure out how to clean up the aftermath of the crashes. 

I called my psychiatrist with complaints of breast tenderness and the medication she suggested is currently settling and going through lawsuits because it caused men to grow breasts. I believe I'll pass, ma'am. This is strike one. She gets three and I request a new doctor. 

I've seen bipolar disorder referred to as a roller coaster. Let me tell you, I usually don't like those either. 

...but sometimes you make time for things you need.

Ah, the dreaded introductory post. That empty white box, the blinking cursor ticking away the time as you try to come up with something true, witty and interesting. Everyone says how terrible they are at these things, then somehow when they start they can't stop. First I'll tell you about this blog, then I'll tell you about me.

This blog has no point. Sorry dear readers but I don't have a mission. It will be a few parts personal, a couple parts reviews, maybe some crafty things here and there, and probably no business. Business and I were never very good friends. It probably will not be a regularly updated blog as I'm not very regular about anything. 

I also have no point. I don't have any dreams or goals for this blog. I just need an outlet. Somewhere to put the things that are floating around in my head with nowhere to land. I can be annoying, I will vent about things that are serious first world problems. I will LOL and LMAO and probably WTF quite a lot. I curse! stop clutching your pearls ladies, I don't wear them. I am annoying, I am silly. I'm a teenaged girl trapped in an almost 30 year old body sometimes. 

I am the mother of two girls. One is 10 and one is 5. I will use their names. I will use my names. I don't have any cutesy nicknames for any of us. I may throw out a nickname here or there that I actually call them in real life but it will be mixed in with their real names. 

I have two cats. I would ADOPT ALL THE CATS! if I could. Sadly, I hate litter boxes and food isn't cheap. My cats are both boys and are both monsters! I love them to pieces. You will see them, I'm sure. 

I am bipolar. It's a recent diagnosis, but not a recent issue. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at age 14. I struggled through medications and therapy. I cried and fought my way through two pregnancies unmedicated. I've seen doctor after doctor. Finally a doctor spoke up and said, "You know, maybe if the depression medication isn't working it's because you're not depressed. Maybe, you're bipolar." And finally something I had been telling my mother since I was 17 years of age was confirmed. I'm now on my way to finding a medication and therapy combination that works for me. You probably will hear about this quite a bit, it is a large part of me.

I don't know how to end this, I've always been terrible at ending things (just ask my exes!) so I suppose I'll just say, see you next entry!